Can I humble-brag for a minute? Steve and I have been married for almost 13 years and I am so proud of our marriage. Steve and I sat down to reflect and talk about what we think is working well in our marriage, and we uncovered a bunch of gems that I thought would make a good blog post.
Whether you’re married, or single, relationships are a huge part of our experiences as humans! What makes a successful relationship? What supports a healthy marriage? Steve and I dive into it (and we only know how to go straight to the good stuff).
I hope this sheds some light and inspires you to have a similar conversation with someone you love this Valentine’s Day!
Communication
Communication is more than talking, although we do love to talk. The first night we met we talked for 6 hours! Communication is a big focus for us – not just in our marriage but also with our children.
Steve is diagnosed with ADHD and explained that when you have ADHD you either over-communicate or communicate in the wrong direction, so we really had to make sure we were communicating effectively. We’re not perfect at it, by any means, but we’ve had a lot of progress.
A huge part of effective communication is listening. I think Steve has done a great job at creating a safe, non-judgmental space for me to express myself more and more, but he admits that when we were first together he was ignorant enough to think he could solve my problems (and that’s a direct quote). He’s gotten a lot better at not jumping in and solving my problems right away. He listens to me sort out my thoughts (without too many interruptions) and tries not to make it about him; meaning, changing the subject to his experiences, his advice, or even finding unintended criticism that isn’t there. I try to do the same for him, and let him sort things out without jumping in to solve his problems (even though I still think I have the best advice.)
We still can’t help but try and fix things for each other sometimes but we have gotten a lot better at simply listening. Ideally, when we’ve said all we want to, if needed, we discuss options and solutions together.
Commonality
Success for us hinges on commonality. We desire to have a strong family. We put raising our children above everything else. We are a family-centered family, more specifically a child-centered family. We both focus on our relationships with them and prioritize their healing.
Some other things that we have in common are our stewardship over our dirt and animals. We also both like to work hard. We like to take something that’s nothing and make it into something.
In my mind, we are different people, we have different interests and likes, but we choose to focus on the things we do have in common and make those things the bigger part of our life. Even more than our individual interests. What we work toward together is stuff that we have in common. Admittedly, we are adrenaline junkies. We like to make hard goals and achieve them.
We live for our family. We’re loyal to our immediate family. Our decisions come down to what is best for our marriage and family first.
Communication is important but we think commonality makes up the majority of why we we cosider our marriage succesful. From God to animals, education, and health, we had a lot of things in common from the get-go. Not exactly eye-to-eye but in common. (Steve is physically taller than me and says we will never see eye-to-eye.)
Finances
A tricky topic for married couples is usually finances. It’s an important part of our marriage so I wanted to share a few thought.
If you’re communicating effectively, find commonality, and have goals together, then finances (and other potentially sensitive topics) kind of come together and don’t have to be a huge issue.
When we talk about finances, we try to take accountability for our finances rather than blame it on the other person. We’ve had rough moments. But overall, we work to be accountable and to understand that we’re in this together. This is a partnership.
We do our best to be intentional and conscientious when we bring up sensitive subjects. We definitely talk about hard things and we talk about the uncomfortable things. Sometimes it can be direct or straightforward (we’ve had times when we hashed it out).
But we get through it because our goal is to maintain our commonality through the conversation, and our desire to be together helps us have productive conversations.
Marriage is hard work.
Steve explains that God often says to put your house in order. “Go and be reconciled with your brother before you come to me.” We as parents are responsible for rectifying our inconsistencies and to repent. It’s important for a child to see the father be humble.
The times I (Kerissa) get frustrated in our marriage are when I’m concerned about myself and what I’m not getting out of it… when I’m being selfish.
When the focus is on “I don’t feel supported” and you make yourself a victim in your marriage it makes it crummy and not fun. That’s what opens the door to “I dont want to be here”.
That goes to the heart of what Christ said about those who lust already commits adultery in his heart. Thinking “ I don’t want to be here” would be deviating from your marriage relationship. And THAT’s why it’s the same as adultery, With that thought, you’ve actually left the confines of that relationship. You are thinking the grass is greener on the other side, and comparing. Even if you’re not necessarily looking at another person, it could even be the draw to be single or thinking about how it would be easier on your own.
In a nutshell, I think what makes our marriage successful is choosing every day to be here; to show up, and to be proactive and work to better ourselves.
Thank you for spending time with us on our virtual porch! We’d love to learn from your marriage and stories, too.
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